I have been thinking about my most popular posts. The ones that I often get comments about when I see people at Target. The ones that people thank me for.

And recently it’s been two posts.

One is about making the decision for a loved one to live in a facility.

And the other is about how it’s normal to feel relief when someone dies.

They have something in common. Both of these posts reassure people that they are good people.

Your husband lives in a nursing home? You’re not a bad person.

Your mom died and you are relieved? You’re not a bad person.

I am grateful if these posts could give some level of reassurance to caregivers. You make the choices you have to make and you feel the way that you feel. I am happy to validate that as many times as I can.

But I am sad that you need such reassurance, friends.

Someone told me that they were glad I told them it’s okay that their spouse lives in assisted living…because their family constantly tells them it’s not okay.

A man told me that he often thinks he’s a terrible husband for placing his wife in a nursing home. And there are people in his life who seem to think he is a terrible husband–including his daughters

A women told me that she was happy to hear that feeling relief (among dozens of other emotions) when her mom died didn’t make her horrible. Of course it doesn’t make her horrible.

I am just sad she thought even for a moment that it might.

We doubt ourselves as caregivers. Are we doing the right thing? Are we feeling the right thing?

We don’t give ourselves enough grace. We are human beings doing the best that we can. And despite our best, dementia still progresses. People still live in nursing homes. People still die.

I heard from a man once who thought he wasn’t doing a good job as a caregiver because his mom’s dementia was getting worse.

Of course, it was getting worse; it’s progressive. Your best doesn’t change the course of the disease. It doesn’t prevent progression or stop the need for more care. It doesn’t keep people alive forever.

I don’t know how to say that you are enough. I don’t know if I can say it in a way that makes you believe it. After all, I am a stranger to most of you. Just a person sitting in her bedroom in Iowa typing on a laptop at 11pm.

And you are a person. Somewhere else. Reading this.

I don’t know your situation. But if the thought that you’re not enough, that you’re a bad person, that you aren’t feeling the right emotions in this process, creeps in even just a little, take a deep breath.

You’re doing okay. You’re a good person.

Yes, you need help. You need support. Don’t be afraid to ask for it.

There’s this self-care thing we talk about. I’m not going to lecture you on self-care. When I tell you to improve your self-care, I am on the edge of victim blaming. I believe that it’s our systems and communities that often result in your struggle. Not your lack of self-care (as much as I want you to do things to care for yourself).

We can do a better job of supporting you. You are going to need support. And you may need to ask for that support more than once whether you are asking for family or professional help. I am sorry about that.

Think about what you’ve learned as a caregiver. Maybe a better way to navigate the healthcare system or how to modify your home for dementia. You will learn more stuff as you go. Don’t forget to give yourself credit for learning.

You are a good person who is doing something hard. You can do hard things.

I just wish you didn’t have to.