Self-care. Blah. Blah. Blah.

I mean, self-care is great and all. If you want to take a bath and are able to do so, take a bath. If you have the time and money to get a massage, great. Eat a hot fudge sundae. Take a nap. Go to the movies with a friend. Exercise. Write in a journal. Pet a kitten.

All great things to do, of course, but I’m kind of over it.

If you are a caregiver or a person living with dementia, you may not be able to do these things. They take time. They take money. You have to have a quiet space. You have to have a focused mind. You have to have motivation.

Sometimes self-care requires something you don’t have.

And, let’s face it, your life isn’t hard because you aren’t practicing self-care. Your life is hard because dementia is hard. And that’s not your fault. You neglecting self-care isn’t really the root of the problem, is it?

When we preach self-care, we make it the responsibility of the person having a hard time to change things. In other words, it’s on you to make your life better.

There’s some truth to that, of course. In the end, you play a role in your own happiness. Yet, I don’t want to ignore the role that other factors, which may not be controllable, play.

You’ve been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s? Go take a bath.

Your husband has to move to a nursing home? Get a massage.

Sigh.

Maybe instead of focusing on self-care, we should focus on community supports. Maybe instead of telling you to go take a bath, I should work on providing more resources at diagnosis. Perhaps instead of assuming you have the money for a massage, I should work toward financial resources for caregivers.

People deserve to care for themselves, and they should absolutely do so. But we can’t use our suggestions of self-care as a substitute for making societal changes. I can’t tell you it’s your job to care for yourself when we continue to make policies that don’t care for you.

An overemphasis on self-care can have negative consequences. It places the burden of well-being on people living with dementia and their caregivers, which can lead to guilt when they can’t prioritize self-care due to life circumstances.

And sometimes, even when you are capable of self-care, it’s just not enough.