Not surprisingly, I’ve been thinking about grief.

You all know the five stage theory, right? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance?

I’ve never been much of a fan, and research supports my intuition that grief doesn’t send you on such a predictable journey.

In all fairness, the stage theory was not created to describe grieving a deceased loved one. It was created to describe what a person goes through when diagnosed with a terminal illness. However, we often apply it to the death of a loved one.

The theory suggests you only experience one emotion at a time. After my dad and step-mother both recently passed, I can say that I am in acceptance–but yet I am angry. I’ve been doing some bargaining, but that doesn’t make sense (according to the model) if I’m still experiencing anger. Also, where does guilt fit in?

In a way, this stage theory gives people hope. You have a loss, and you think that there’s a clear path to the end of grief. You work through each stage and then (BAM!) you are no longer grieving. It’s over and you move on with life. Good as new.

It doesn’t work that way.

This theory might lead people to believe something is wrong with their grieving process if they don’t experience these stages in order or at all. Not everyone denies. Not everyone bargains. And what about gratefulness? If you feel grateful somewhere in your grieving process, are you doing it wrong?

Grief is not predictable. It’s different for everyone, and it’s different for every loss.

Grief is a reaction to loss. It is what you feel when someone you love is taken away. The implications are physical, emotional, social, and psychological.

It makes you do crazy things.

It keeps you from sleeping, or it causes you to sleep all day.

It keeps you from eating, or it makes you eat junk food all day.

You make impulses purchases. You get all your hair cut off (considering this one currently). You throw yourself into work, or maybe you stop showing up at work. You go running twice a day, or perhaps you can’t get off the couch.

I don’t know what your grief is going to look like. I am not even sure what my own grief will look like tomorrow–or even in five minutes.

So be kind.

Be kind to people who are grieving.

Don’t judge their grief if it’s different than yours.

And, perhaps most importantly, don’t judge your own grief.

Also, do I need bangs?

I have a hair appointment coming up….