If you are in the midst of the holiday season and are impacted by dementia, I see you.
I know a lot of people don’t get that you might be having a difficult time. If you were impacted by cancer, they’d be more likely to check in.
But when it comes to dementia, they either don’t know what to say or (worse) don’t even think about you.
There’s nothing I can say to make that better.
If your holiday season has been a little bit rough and didn’t go as you’d hoped, I can’t make that better either.
Maybe your interactions with family and friends were strained. Or maybe the stress of the holidays exacerbated dementia symptoms. Perhaps the holidays made you think about just how far dementia has progressed in recent months.
The holidays can be disorienting for people living with dementia. Loud rooms, unfamiliar routines, expectations that may seem confusing—all of it can be overwhelming.
If you didn’t have a great holiday, it’s okay to admit that. People will ask about your holidays–and no matter how they were, we usually say something like, “They were good” and smile.
It doesn’t seem acceptable to say that the holidays were hard.
But sometimes the holidays are hard. They are hard for a lot of people. They can be hard for the dementia community.
For many families, the holidays aren’t just emotional difficult—they’re logistically exhausting. Dementia adds layers of planning and decision-making that no one else notices.
Sometimes the hardest part isn’t what happened this holiday, but what didn’t. Grandma didn’t buy presents. Dad didn’t make it to the family party. Your husband didn’t even think about putting up the tree.
Keep in mind that you can be grateful that someone is still here and still grieve what has been lost. Those things can exist at the same time.
And perhaps what you’re feeling isn’t just sadness about what has already changed. It’s grief for what you know is coming. Anticipatory grief.
Anticipatory grief can feel confusing, especially during the holidays, because from the outside everything may look intact. All the decorations are up. The table is set. Presents are opened.
But inside, you may be carrying the weight of noticing things others don’t:
- A loved one who no longer follows the conversation
- A tradition that feels overwhelming
- A moment that should feel joyful, but instead feels heavy
And then you wonder if this is the last holiday for….something. Maybe it’s someone’s last holiday on earth. If it’s not, it could be the last year they live at home. It could be the last year they know it’s Christmas. It could be the last year they recognize the grandkids. Or the last year they can participate in making pie.
Anticipatory grief during the holidays is often invisible. There is no ritual for it. No clear language. No accepted way to say, This season hurts because I know what’s ahead.
So people smile. They say the holidays were fine. They move on.
But if the holidays felt heavier this year—not because something dramatic happened, but because something quietly shifted—you are not imagining that.
If this holiday season left you feeling tired, sad, or unsettled in ways you can’t quite explain, you’re not alone. Many people in the dementia community carry this grief quietly. You don’t have to minimize it.
Dementia doesn’t pause for the holidays. Sometimes the holidays demand more from people who already have little left to give.
If this season felt heavier, it doesn’t mean you failed. It means you are living in a reality that deserves more understanding than it gets.
I see you.
When Dementia Knocks 