Someone I know has dementia. She was an elementary school teacher. She’s gentle, patient, and kind. She was diagnosed about three years ago.

Early on, the changes included depression, apathy, and increasing difficulty with tasks that had once been automatic. There were financial issues—missed bills, poor judgment, and eventually being scammed out of a significant amount of money by an extended family member.

A few years later, the picture looks different.

Now she is angry. Angry at everyone.

Her family is often told, “Don’t take it personally.” I understand why “experts” say that, but I also think it’s mostly a waste of breath.

Of course you shouldn’t take it personally. But we live in the real word, and we are human beings.

It’s hard not to take it personally when your mother is calling you names you weren’t allowed to say as a kid and then tells you she hopes you die. It’s awful when this hostility comes from someone you are actively sacrificing parts of your own life to care for.

Caregiving already for a lot from you. When the person you are caring for is openly insulting you, it adds another layer entirely. I can’t tell you anything that makes that okay—because it isn’t. It may not be your loved one’s fault, but I’m not sure that makes it easier.

To be clear, this extreme anger is not present for everyone who has dementia.

Anger is not a universal stage of dementia. Some people with dementia experience significant anger or aggression. Others never do.

I can’t predict who anger will affect. No one can.

But I do try to acknowledge its impact.

When we tell caregivers not to take it personally, to ignore it, or to remind themselves that “it’s just the disease talking,” we often think we’re being helpful.

But what that really does is dismiss the emotional reality of the situation. It skips over the exhaustion and the damage of being emotionally attacked by someone you love—sometimes daily.

Acknowledging that dementia may be contributing to the behavior does not erase the harm it causes.

Families don’t need platitudes. They don’t need to be told to grow thicker skin.

They need validation and support that recognizes the toll this takes.