Do the important thing first.

What is the important thing? That’s for you to decide.

We all have limited energy. People living with dementia have energy that is even more compromised. They get tired–physically and mentally–quickly. And tasks that many of us find simple and mindless can be exhausting to someone living with dementia.

When the dementia brain is depleted, it needs rest. There’s no way around it. You can’t convince the individual to try harder. It isn’t a matter of laziness. They aren’t being belligerent. When the mind is too tired to continue, it must rest.

Although our energy may be significantly greater than someone with dementia, those of us without dementia still have limited capacity.

One day last week it was important to me that I finish a technical report. I had procrastinated but it was something I’d figured would only take a few hours. It was on the top of my list.

That morning, I got an email asking me for advice on a dementia situation and two phone calls about a student issue. There were not urgent matters, but I took a few moments and quickly answered the email. Then I returned one of the phone calls. By the time the phone call was over, I had a response to my email asking for more specific information. I responded to that email. As I was typing, I got an email about the student situation.

After I responded to that, I realized I had forgotten a detail that I should have added when I was on the phone, so I called my colleague back. She had just talked to a university administrator about the situation, and she filled me in on that conversation. And so it went.

I had intended to start the technical report at 8:45am. By the time I had come to a stopping point in those communications, it was 12:30. I should have had the technical report done. But I hadn’t even started.

More than that, I had lost my momentum. I was ready to dive in that morning. Four hours later, it was the last thing I wanted to do. All the emails and phone calls had cost me a significantly amount of energy.

I thought back to the moment I realized I had received the original email and noticed I had voice messages. Could I have processed the content of the communication and decided it was less important that the technical report? Yep. Would those inquiries still be there when I finished the report? Probably—but if someone else had solve the problems in the meantime, all the better.

I didn’t do the important thing first. I didn’t do it when I was sharpest and most energetic. When I finally got around to it, I didn’t have much left to contribute.

If a person has dementia and they love wrapping holiday gifts, wrapping is the important thing. Do it first. If they are too tired to go Christmas shopping or put up the tree later, that’s okay. They got to wrap gifts.

If visiting the grandkids is the important thing, do it first. Structure the day so that the person living with dementia has the most energy during that visit. If they are too tired later in the day to help clean the house, so be it.

Sometimes the most important thing is the fun thing. Maybe it’s a walk in the woods with a friend. Or going out for coffee with a spouse. Perhaps it’s watching a favorite TV show. If it’s the important thing, do it first.

Sometimes the important thing isn’t a fun thing. A doctor’s appointment. A long car ride. Sometimes it’s something hard and energy-consuming that must be done. You do it first, and set the individual up for success, while they still have the capacity to do it with the least stress possible.

Sometimes the important thing is related to self-care. Maybe it’s eating a healthy breakfast. Doing a 10-minute yoga video. Petting a dog. It’s possible that your important thing yesterday was a spin class and today it’s eating a burrito from your favorite Mexican restaurant.

Whether you are a person living with dementia or a care partner (or none of the above), the key is understanding that the world can’t dictate what is important to you. Maybe the important thing is sitting on the couch drinking coffee. Maybe it’s stopping to get a donut on the way to work even though it makes you late. Maybe it’s watching college basketball on TV, playing pickleball, building a castle in a sandbox, or looking out the window doing nothing. Yes, maybe doing nothing is the important thing. No one else has to understand why your important thing is your important thing.

I am going to bed. Because right now, sleep is my important thing.