A friend of mine took her mother (who has dementia) bra shopping. She happened to tell me when she was leaving for the store. And she happened to call me to tell me about it upon her return. It seemed like she had been gone a really long time. Seems like the adventure was a marathon rather than a sprint.

Spoiler alert…bra shopping is not a dementia-friendly outing.

Bra shopping isn’t a walk in the park in general. I don’t remember anyone ever telling me they were excited to go bra shopping.

Are you a 34, a 38, a 42? Once you figure that out, what’s your cup size? There’s a good chance one or both of these numbers/letters has changed since the last time you did some serious bra shopping. And dementia often impacts a person’s weight, which impacts bra size.

There’s often a need to try on bras before you buy, which isn’t all that much fun. And perhaps less fun if you have dementia.

Bras aren’t easy to put on. I don’t know why we don’t talk about this more. About once I month I get strangely tangled in a bra. It surprises me that more women don’t choke themselves while putting on and taking off bras. I’ve probably wasted a few hours of my life trying to take off a sweaty sports bra after spin class.

Bras are different in terms of back and front closure, whether the straps cross, etc. It is not just people with dementia who might struggle with this, but for someone with dementia putting on a bra that might be a bit different than the last one could be quite frustrating.

Let’s talk about the fitting room. Much like most public restrooms, fitting rooms are likely gendered. This means that a man can’t assist a woman once she enters the fitting room.

A couple of years ago, I was at Target. An older gentleman was helping a woman (likely his partner) try on shirts over her shirt. I was looking at clothing in close proximity to them, and he apologized for being in the way (which they weren’t). He mentioned that it wasn’t a good idea for her to go into the fitting room without him. I didn’t ask why, but I assumed she had dementia. Trying on clothes over your clothes doesn’t really work, especially for bras. It’s not an accurate representation of size, and people will look at you like you are a weirdo.

Let’s talk about the hangers that bras are on at the store. Think about the way the straps are folded. It’s not easy to take them off the hanger, and it’s even harder to put them back on. The changes that occurs to a person’s senses as dementia progress could make this all but impossible.

And the mirrors…I have written about mirrors elsewhere on this blog…but mirrors can be confusing and anxiety-provoking for those living with dementia, especially when there are mirrors on multiple walls in a room. Who is that topless woman looking at me? Wait, is that me?

A man once told me that the most challenging aspects of his wife having dementia were deciding what to eat for dinner each night and buying undergarments for her. He said her inability to figure out how to put on those undergarments made him realize how much her dementia had progressed.

He shared that he had walked into their bedroom many times to see her tangled up in a bra, sometimes with the cups in the back rather than the front. And she resisted his help. I get it…it has to be difficult to realize that your husband needs to help you put on a bra. Oftentimes, he noticed the bra wasn’t quite right but allowed her to put on a shirt anyway. But then he realized she had forgotten that she needed to wear a bra altogether. He stressed about whether he should push the issue.

Sigh.

Living with dementia is a constant dance with the unexpected, isn’t it?

I don’t have all the answers. But sometimes talking about the challenges is helpful. Let’s keep doing that.