Tonight I spoke with a caregiver. His mother has dementia and lives in a local nursing home. Previously she had been in assisted living, but it was obvious she needed more care. And it’s obvious she is progressing.

He doesn’t know what to do.

I get it. Many of us are programmed to take action. We want to fix. We want to solve. And we take pride in fixing and solving.

But sometimes there is nothing to fix or solve.

You didn’t cause dementia, and you can’t cure it. If you are like me, you think you must be missing something. Maybe there’s some puzzle to solve and you haven’t cracked it yet. There has to be answer. Perhaps if you read more books. Or look at more Facebook pages (please don’t do this).

I want to tell you it’s okay to stop. It’s okay to stop and be. Just be. You don’t have to do. It’s fine to be.

Once someone said to me when I was a hospice volunteer, “Stop thinking you’re a human doing. You’re a human being.” And somehow that struck me and gave me permission to be and not do when I was with my hospice patients.

It is not giving up if you are a human being and focus on being with your loved one as dementia progresses. Sometimes all we can do is be. And being there matters. Loving someone doesn’t mean fixing them. There are situations that are not fixable. But you love people and you be with them. And that’s enough.

You are not a failure if dementia progresses. Let me say that again….you are not a failure if dementia progresses. It sounds obvious, right? But I have talked to many caregivers who feel guilty as dementia progresses. They feel like they are doing something wrong or perhaps they aren’t working hard enough.

Intellectually, caregivers know they aren’t in control of the progress of dementia. But, somehow, we think if we love someone enough, we can do something. Love doesn’t stop terminal disease.

Dementia progresses. We have our wins. We have our moments of joy. We sometimes win the day. We are there and we show our love and that makes a difference.

And dementia progresses.

I am not intending to be negative. I am intending to reassure caregivers that what you are doing is enough. You don’t have to power to stop or reverse dementia. I consider you a superhero. You do not disappoint me or anyone else by not being able to cure incurable diseases.

When you don’t know what else to do, just be. Being is enough.