How are you? I mean, really, how are you?

We often use “How are you?” as a greeting rather than a question to be answered.

You see a friend walking down the street. They say “Hi. How are you?” They don’t stop walking or even slow down. They obviously don’t want to hear how you are doing. You are expected to say something like, “Good, and you?” or “I’m hanging in there.”

You are not expected to talk about how you are doing. In fact, talking about how you are really doing in this context can be a social faux paus.

In a meeting a couple of weeks ago, we conversed about how few people stop to look a caregiver in the eye and ask, “How are you doing?” The emphasis is on the you.

I am not asking how your loved one with dementia is doing. Maybe I already asked that, or maybe I will ask that later, but for now…it’s about you. I’ve learned I need to stress that I am asking about the caregiver or they will respond only with information about their loved one. (Caregivers are like that, right?)

What are ways we can ask people how they are and let them know we really do want to know how they are?

A few ideas:

How are you, really?

Tell me how you’ve been since the last time we talked.

What’s going well for you now and what’s not going well?

How have you been feeling about (insert issue, i.e. John’s transition to the nursing home, your dad’s diagnosis, having to take early retirement)?

When my dad was ill, I realized that many people who asked how I was didn’t really care about how I was (at least at that moment). I started to distinguish the conversations and texts from those who were really asking from those who weren’t really asking–despite using the words, “How are you?”

Sometimes I would think someone was really asking how I was and start telling them, and they’d jump in with some feeling or experience that they thought was related. Perhaps they were trying to connect with me, but it told me that they weren’t ready and willing to listen to how I was doing.

Someone who wants to know how are you stops moving (literally), makes eye contact, and doesn’t interrupt with information about their own life. They don’t look at their phone. They act like you are the most important person in the world at that moment.

When you find these people, hold onto them. They aren’t fixing anything. They aren’t giving unsolicited advice. They want to know how you are really doing, and that’s important.

In the last few days of my Dad’s life, I got a text from a friend. She asked how I was doing. I don’t remember my response. Her follow-up question is something I am filing away for future use.

What do you need right now?

Hmmmm. Sleep came to my mind first. But my response was:

A half-diet half-regular fountain Coke from a gas station.

15 minutes later, she showed up in the reception area of the nursing home with my soda.

It was the best soda I had ever had.

Asking someone what they need right now is an open-ended question that can lead the respondent in a variety of directions.

What do you need right now? A soda. A counselor. Someone to let the dog out. Someone to talk to. Something to punch. A friend to stay with my loved one for a bit. A yoga class. Kinder nurses. More competent doctors. More compassion from my kids. All valid needs.

Maybe this is a need you can meet, and maybe it’s not. But either way, you get valuable information on where the person is at.

If I greet someone in passing, I try not to say, “Hi. How are you?” unless I have the desire and time to stop and listen to how they are doing.

Instead, I say, “Hi! Great to see you,” or “Hey. Hope you’re having a great day.”

(Although I will admit, I do feel rude not asking in return if the other person asks me first.)

My thought is that if I ask how someone is doing, I should be committed to listening to the answer rather than rushing off to a meeting or appointment.

If I ask someone in the grocery store how they are, I’d better have 10 minutes to stand in the freezer aisle and listen.

I’m not a fan of how we use “How are you?” as a greeting rather than a real question.